Alix and I have passed this movie many times @ Blockbuster and many times picked it up, read the back cover and chuckled. Movie called “Teeth” which apparently is a Blockbuster store exclusive/extreme release. If you didn’t click the link to imdb then I will let you know the premise in this un-professional review. Spoilers and all.
The first scene pans down from a clear blue sky onto two nuclear reactors on the horizon with a suburbia like summer where a newly married couple with 1 kid of their own are lounging on K-Mart summer recliners and their kids are in a small round pool. The son (Brad) is splashing water on the younger newer sibling girl (Dawn) and his dad asks him to stop but proceeds to ignore his dad. Next scene is the little boy brat is crying because his index finger is mutilated. Apparently he tries to finger diddle his new half sister.
Flash forward to High School, same house, same family, same Nuclear Reactors in the background. The daughter who is a cross between 3-4 actresses – think a young 16 candles Joan Cusac, the blond from Mama Mia/Big Love, Sharon Stone– all rolled into this Abstinence Promoting Teen who wears a promise ring (of no premarital sex) proudly. Her Mother is slowly dying of something (they never tell us), her step brother had grown into a Slacker-Tattooed-Shaved Head-Owns a Rottweiler-sticks dog bones in his skanky girl friends mouths type guy. Who happens to be obsessed with his own step sister. (He’s also a regular on CSI & Nip/Tuck).
I fell in love with the music which is used sparingly throughout and is so NOT timely which makes it even better. The facial expressions and gestures from Dawn range from bumbling blonde on Prozac to extreme disorientation and frustration, how one has that many muscles in one’s forehead is beyond me.
Unknowingly Dawn has what mythological times and Doctors call a “Toothed Vagina” and only a ‘Hero’ can conquer it. Well…her hormones on abstinence lose out as she and a fellow abstinence’rrrr go to the local water hole (literally) and giggle themselves into a secluded cave where they get all hot and heavy. The guy’s mistake was to go for her little boobies like 20 seconds into it…she pulls away and he starts to rape her. She’s yelling NO and NO!!! when you hear a ‘CRUNCH’ then he screams NO!! NOO!! and something like ‘ARRRRRHHHHHH’ he just got John Wayne Bobbitt’d. He stumbles away back to the lake and she’s too shocked to move for apparently hours. At this point I’m thinking….wow……you go girl or what if women had that kind of defense mechanism built in? Do you know how many women/ladies would never be subject to the sexual assaults and rapes? A lot.
Anywhoo– the dood ends up dead in the lake from massive blood loss. Dawn, in the mean time goes to a OBGYN and has him do a check up (first time for her being in them stirups- msp?) Sure enough the Doc loses 4 outta 5 fingers (keeps the thumb) and a bloody mess ensues and screaming. She rides back home (she doesn’t drive but a Ten Speed…who rides Ten Speeds??) to see her Mother dead in the hall way while her brother down the hall is doggy-styling his skanky girlfriend (which, really she wasn’t skanky but when you stick around after your beau stick a dog bone in your mouth..well….you fall into the skank category)…. in his room (door open). The Husband/Father is NO WHERE to be seen…it’s like 10 P.M. and he is always gone….
Welp, her next victim is a wanna-be cool guy who she goes to as she has no other place to go…Mom’s dead, Dad’s MIA, Brother is busy doing the nasty. She confesses to the killing of the first guy then the OBGYN but the new dood just laughs it off and feeds her some Roofies as she’s taking a bubble bath. He lights candles all over the room (which happens to be his parents Garage)…in the hopes of being the Conquering Hero of her Toothed Vagina!!! He does…but he does it the right way, the long lost art of foreplay. And a finger vibrator….oh and the roofies….all make for her TOOTHED VAGINA to be relaxed and lucid. They have pre-marital sex!!! AND she enjoys it! She has found her HERO!!! Until…he gets a cell call from his homie asking what he’s doing and replies in kind with the response of any male teenager. Boasting about a bet he made that he could do the duty with her. Alix and I knew what was coming…as she straddles him she ‘chops’ off his cock with precision. She hops off and casually opens of the Garage door (non-electric) and states “Some Hero…” — meanwhile blood is squirting out of his cock all over the bed and he’s screaming like one would…but reaches up to the intercom next to his bed and says “Mom!…..Mom??!!” Classic.
She decides to finish off her sadistic brother by putting on some eyeliner, lip gloss and eye shadow…oh and a white dress…short scene short– she chops of his cock with her TOOTHED VAGINA for letting her mother die in the hallway and for basically being an asshole. This one is extra harsh in that she chomps down on it so hard she gets outta bed and the scene of her standing there– his cock drops out…where the beloved Rottweiler quickly snaps it up and chews on it…..yeah…I know…awesome huh??
By now she’s run out of cocks to cut off so she decides to hit the road (like Jack Keroac) with her Ten Speed….she eventually gets a flat– we can tell this because shes on the side of the road with the Ten Speed upside down and she’s ‘spinning’ the tires…Thumbs up and not 10 seconds she has a ride. I mean who would pass up a 17 year old blonde who looks like Joan Cusack/The Girl from Mama Mia/Sharon Stone with a Toothed Vagina?? She hops into a 1981 Cadillac Seville driven by a Old Dood– they get to a Quick Trip where he won’t let her out of the Caddy…he teases her with the electric lock (up/down)..she finally gives up….turns to him…and smiles. The End.
We have no clue if her brother lives– I don’t know if I’d want to…where her Step Dad is or nothing, which in the end is a good thing. I’d recommend this movie to my friends as long as they fit the following attributes.
1. You like Campy Movies
2. You have a semi-sick sense of humor.
3. You believe women should have TOOTHED VAGINAS as a defense mechanism.
4. You rent from Blockbuster.