I’m about as random as a Mexican at a Magic The Gathering Tournament.
You see, the term ‘random mexican’ we believe derived from a “Dojo” tourney report from the 1990’s. It was said in reflection that a top 8 usually had a random mexican who made it that far in the tournament. A token, if you will. Kinda like having a token black person on an MTV reality show unless it’s dealing with Teen Moms. Black Teen Moms apparently isn’t as glamourous as White/Mixed/Mostly White Teen Moms. Yes, today I’m playing the card.
I can pass for nearly everything except Black or Japanese/Chinese (100%). I’ve been mistaken for a lot of races. When I tell them I’m Native American they get a ‘ahhh…’ look. I’m actually pretty rare. Well..not as rare as full blooded Native…I’m a half-breed. Since I can pass for anything it provides me opportunities that wouldn’t normally be out there for me. Like making a top 8 and being called a Random Mexican. Mainly by an old friend we all called ‘Negator’. (magic card reference). Best of buds until he was going thru his own divorce, we all know what a time and focus sink divorce can be! Anywhoo- he was the one whose karma smacked him up like a little red-headed step child from Colombia (S.A).
It was just prior to my divorce and we made a trip to Lincoln Nebraska (inorite?) for a MTG tourney. We drove up the night before and got a room downtown. We decided to hit the strip clubs which in Lincoln, it’s going to be an adventure. Midwest women are corn fed. This means one of two outcomes. If they aren’t already fat now, they will be later…so you have to catch them in the middle.
Our first trip was to the ‘Night Before Lounge’ in downtown Lincoln, it was a Friday night so it was a mix of Frat, Locals and Trucker/Farmers. Pretty packed (no homo). We sit 2 tables from the main area. This is a strip club with alcohol. No juice bar. For those strip club virgins – in the midwest/bible belt – strip clubs means topless only. Juice bar is nude 100%. It’s called Juice because they don’t sell alcohol due to the locals being stingy on sex. Most places that are Juice bars allow YOU to BYOB. I’m more of a non-juice bar visitor. You can see most everything you’d want to without them being 100% nude. One more note if your new to clubs. Never sit at the stage tables directly infront UNLESS you plan on shelling our dollar bills to every dancer in the place. It’s expected that you do if your sitting at the front seats. Sit 2-3 spots away. Better yet, case the place before sitting down. Go to the bar with your wife/gf/buds and order a drink….then casually spot the business expense patrons or bachelor party. That’s where you want to sit. Lap dances(good ones) tend to take up a good 5-7 foot radius…as such you can get pretty much a lap dance for free.
Last tip (maybe), bring a least $100.00 broken down into 20’s and 1’s…I usually did 20′ 1 dollar bills then twenties the rest. You don’t ask Strippers for change. And most importantly, don’t ever get too drunk at a club unless your jobless, credit cardless and with friends.
So back to my karma story.
Negator goes to the champagne room with a local farmers daughter who happens to have a LED hood clit strobe light. I’m able to see thru the thinly veiled curtains and see something blinking as she’s working it. Sure enough it’s a tiny purple light going ‘blinkity blink’. I chuckle. My tournament report is going to be stellar. I buy a souvenir tee shirt and we move on to a bar. Then another. Then finally it’s around 2:30 a.m. bars in Lincoln close later…
We find something off of Cornhusker Hwy and see there’s maybe a dozen cars…walk into a very dimly lit strip club and one girls on stage another lapping and a big neon sign saying ‘shower dances downstairs’. We head on down to see this– and just as advertised it’s chicks in a shower….I chuckle again. Negator nudges me and says he’s hitting the head. I go back up to our table where it’s ‘menu’ shows you what the ladies will do and prices.
Five mins pass and no Negator. I think he’s taking a dump but who takes a shit at a strip club? Then I think, maybe he’s gawking. After I finish my first PBR…he comes up, sits down and were watching the lady on the main stage. Looking around there’s maybe 4 guys in this room. All solo.
What seemed to be a long 8 seconds, a guy on each side of us stands up and yells “Lincoln Police! Everybody STAY SEATED!’. I had a nice buzz going on but was quickly snapped to. 4 more of Lincolns finest show up thru the basement and front door. It’s a bust. It’s 3 a.m. and I have a tournament I need to be at by 8:30 am. I have kick ass blue deck.
What seemed to be the leader of this band of let’s raid a strip club with 3 patrons in it and 8 strippers takes command. He asks for everyones ID…but were to remain seated. One of the policemen from downstairs points towards our table. I’m thinking…’I’m gonna be picked…some random mexican in a danky ass strip club is gonna be profiled!’. The leader walks over and says ‘Stand up!’ I start to get up when he tells me to sit my ass down. He points to Negator and says ‘YOU! Get up!’. he does….they handcuff him. Handcuff another and take 4 strippers in cuffs. I ask very politely…’Officer can I ask what’s going on?’ he replies with ‘Your friend is going to jail for lewd conduct’. I refrain from laughing. I follow him out the the squad car and take a picture of him. I smile at him as he sits in the back seat…I ask the officer what now, bail, etc. He says to follow them to the station. I do.
2.5 hours later, bonded out from his only monies (I wasn’t gonna bail his ass out..,I’m going thru a divorce…fuck that.) As I sat there waiting, I got to know 3 other strippers in the waiting area. Apparently they get busted every few months, especially when the officers see the license plates of out of towners. It’s bread and butter for them. They’re pimp..errr…manager shows up and bails out the rest. I shake hands with him. Nice gig.
Negator steps out, I shoot his pic as he puts his belongings together he’s not happy about the pictures being shot.
During my gaming hey’day I had a website where I was able to get most of the local KC area players together online with forums, reports, etc. This was for the website. =D
We make it back to the hotel to sleep for what amounted to be 1.5 hours rest. I ended up 9th place by making a mental mistake on a key play. Negator punked out early. We met up with a good amount of KC folks. Made it back to Overland Park’s Battlezone where the stories were told all night of our time in Lincoln.
After that weekend, Negator never called me a ‘Random Mexican’ because I mentioned to him on our way back from the Jail house that, that was karma speaking to him directly. What were the odds the policeman WOULD NOT pick me over him (he looks like a spitting image of Steve Buscemi).